i love me some naruto fanfiction

Naruto romance is serious fucking business.

Wait, no I don’t. Fanfiction.net is terrible. You really shouldn’t be reading it under recreational pretenses. It’s a) a waste of time in which nerds do lots of wishful thinking and b) a pile of crap passed off as “literature.” (Can you believe some people actually say that? Pfffftt hahahahahaha)

Before I get into my first review of one of the stunning works of art the site has to offer, a little background. My name (on here, at least) is Umezono. I was roped into the blog scene by fierce trannie keramago, who I will refer to as Slob (you can also call me Intel,) and given the task of doing two things:

1. Review fanfictions from illustrious website fanfiction.net

2. Do a few little reviews of music I like.

Now that we’ve been acquainted, I’d like to kick off my first post with fanfiction.net’s favorite subject: Naruto. You all know what I’m talking about, right? Naruto is an anime about ninjas who don’t look like actual ninjas and are mostly hip teenage kids with mary-sue abilities. It’s a chore to watch. Unfortunately, a vast majority of American youth took way too kindly to Naruto. They just lapped that shit up like a thirsty dog. I don’t know how they found any appeal in it, but they did. Thus, fanfiction.net got some of it’s most major fuel: Naruto fanfics.


The name is “Crushes!” and it’s author is xXBrown-Eyed-CutieXx (she certainly must be one.) It’s a oneshot (thankfully) and written in POV (point of view) format. The subject: Sakura Haruno.

She's so perky looking. Goddamn.

The girl (who may be older than what’s pictured above, as a lot of the future-based Naruto Shippuden fics are out there) is thrust into a high school situation here. I chose this fic to illustrate a point: fanfiction.net users love casting their favorite characters into high school situations and recording the zany, romatic adventures that ensue. To me, this is a formula for disaster. Why would trained ninjas attend high school anyway? Why would the characters of Fire Emblem, in a completely different time period, attend a high school? I really goddamn hate these kinds of fics. But back to Crushes! gentlemen.

The first thing that seems off about this fic is how it says “CHAPTER ONE-KARIN YOU BITCH!” Not only are these strong words, but it also entails more than one part to the story. Isn’t this a oneshot? Whatever. We’re immediately thrust into the setting of Konoha High,a place where “Bullies giving nerds wedgies, guys staring at girls’ chests, girls chasing the hottest guys in school” is the norm. I would’ve thought that “ninjas having to skip school to perform dangerous and clandestine tasks” would be the norm, but hey! This is Konoha High, which might as well be set in suburban Long Island than the ninja land of Konoha.

We’re introduced to Sakura’s friends, told their secret crushes (Jesus Christ, so predictable) and told of the school slut- Karin Yamazaki. I must mention she is “Also Sasuke Uchiha fanclub president,” according to the fic. Now that sounds like a cool fanclub. I’m sure Sasuke enjoys the fact that a group of rabid, hormonal women have formed a club in order to obsess over him. Karin decides to be a cold, backstabbing bitch and sell out Hinata Hyuga’s crush on Naruto Uzumaki (DAMNNNNNNN DAWG) so Sakura for no apparent reason announces her  crush on Sasuke Uchiha (Gasp! While he’s nearby, too!)

I don’t know how this would make Karin’s plan backfire. In actuality, wouldn’t things just escalate? Instead, all the girls start rattling of their obssesions, straight out of some women’s book club confessional.

“Ino stood beside me. What in the world is she doing.

”I like Sai Uchiha,” she confessed.

Wow. It’s times like these that you realize who your real friends are. OMG. Temari is walking towards us. She wouldn’t. Would she?

”I like Shikamaru Nara. He may be a lazy ass but he’s my lazy ass,” Temari smirked.

”Neji Hyuuga,” Tenten said.

”Rock Lee,” Lila said.

”Gaara,” Matsuri simply said.

”Kiba,” Yuki said.”

I don’t know what this meant or entailed. Was it some sisterly way of backing Sakura up? Is it some sort of female rite of bravery to announce who you dig when a friend has been outed?

Then, out of fucking nowhere, all the guys that the friends had said appear and reveal their crushes. Surprise, surprise. THEY ALL LOVE THE GIRLS WHO LIKE THEM!!!!!! What a storybook romance. This happens all the time in high school, I swear. This might as well have been a prelude to a orgy fanfic.

Then the story veers off into the future with no stated transition other than “Life became the first step to our long and happy lifes together. The End.” No divider, or anything. hat really got me was that Karin changed schools the same day of the debacle. (1. How is that possible, and 2. Why would you change schools?) After the supposed “end”,  a little girl remarks on how she loves the story. An older woman, presumably Sakura, and her husband tuck little princess in for the night. What a touching moment, especially the use of highschool drama as a story for your young daughter.

Then the story ends by rattling off the fates of each of the friends:

“That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura got married. And now have two kids. Girls to be exact. Ayame and Mikoto Uchiha.

Ino and Sai got married and have three boys. Ren, Ogato, and Koji.

Naruto and Hinata are married with one child. A girl named Hana.

Tenten and Neji are married and are expecting twins.

Temari and Shikamaru are married with four kids. Three girls and one boy. Rainie, Ariel, Komiko, and Hiro.

Lila and Rock Lee are married and expecting a boy.

Matsuri and Gaara are married and expecting triplets.

Yuki and Kiba are married with six kids. Three boys and three girls. I’m out of names so make some up.

And everyone lived happily ever after.”

What a shitty ending. What a shitty fanfic. It’s basically three lists (the girls reveal their crushes, the boys reveal theirs, and the fates of the couples) and some terrible plot in between. This was legitimately awful, and perfectly illustrates why I hate high school fanfics. It’s just  shitty plot building up to a predictable romance. Factor in that it’s Naruto, and you’ve got the icing on the shit cake.

Goddamn, it’s like no effort was put into this seriously. I mean, can we blame the brown-eyed cutie? Or can we blame Naruto for it’s one-dimensional mary-sues? I say both. This was just terrible. I’m being honest here. Some people have no literary talent, and it’s safe to say they all flock to fanfiction.net to submit their enjoyable naruto fanfictions.

Naruto just isn’t a good subject for fanfics, because the plot is already really bad. Trying to make your own dream tales won’t work. Get it into your heads, goddamnit. There are over 260,000 terrible fanfics in the Naruto section alone. Many of these are crossovers, high school fanfics and awfully written lemons (don’t get me started) that are all a waste of time to read. Crushes fits the bill.

Anyway, give this a read and see what I’m rambling about. I’m going to dip my head into a vat of icy-cold water to cool off. My fingers hurt from typing so furiously. I hope I don’t make a habit of this!!!!

Peace, I’ll review some music next time.

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2 Responses to i love me some naruto fanfiction

  1. Cool Dude says:

    Uhh, hey. Maybe you just didn’t get it. I mean, it was probably too deep for you. High school stories are full of deep themes and angst, and if you’re unable to handle that kind of shit, it’s understandable. I mean, I understand that an uneducated fool like yourself wouldn’t be able to comprehend the intellectual value in and subtlety in the Bildungsroman, but whatever bro. You shouldn’t think less of a work just because it’s made by an attractive brown eyed girl. Baka.

  2. keramago says:

    i felt it was kinda disappointing karin switching school was some dumb excuse to get her to float out of the story and not tell us her future, she’s honestly the one i cared about the most and i don’t even know if it’s an actual naruto character or not.

    also haha everyone is married and lives happily ever after, it’s like harry potter’s last book all over again.

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